Blessed

I just put Ella down for her nap and while I sat with her on the couch rocking her to sleep I just watched her face for a while. I talked to her and told her how much I love her and how very grateful I am for the past year I have spent with her. In 2 weeks and 2 days I will have been her Mommy for one year. It feels like a lifetime and a split second at the same time. She has grown and changed so fast that sometimes when I'm holding her (usually as she's trying to wiggle away from me) I wonder where my tiny, fuzzy headed baby went. In the same token I feel as though I have been her mother for years. I've actually been her mother forever, it just took a while for her to show up to the party! The love for her over the past year has grown exponentially as I have gotten to know her. Everyday I am more amazed at the capacity my heart has to grow and love her. I knew I would love her, but I had no idea the depth & ferocity that love would reach.

I think this post was spurred on by another blog I was reading today. I found the blog last month but revisited it today. It's posted in my "blog roll". It's called Bring the Rain and it is the story of Mother's love and loss of her daughter that was born a few months ago. I usually shy away from reading things about the death of children, especially since Ella was born, because I tend to dwell on it. I began to read her entries and I had to tear myself away when Jon came home for lunch. What struck me the most about her entries was her amazing and undeniable love for the Lord. I can't describe it, you'll have to read it yourself..but it almost pours out of the computer screen onto your lap. I sat and read and cried. With the raw pain that you see in her posts you also see an amazing strength and peace. It's unlike anything I've ever read before.

While I was reading about her life I asked myself what I would do if something like this happened to me. Could I continue on with life? Could I praise God in the midst of complete and all consuming despair? Could I continue on in a way that would bring glory to Him? Could I trust that he had a plan to prosper me and not to harm me when the sinner in me would want to rage against him? I don't know, I truly don't. I hope and pray that I could. I know that when we pray for faithfulness or to be closer to Him that he doesn't just give us those things but instead he gives us the opportunity to display the traits we ask of him. He gives us the oppotunity to draw closer and depend on him fully. I know that as I read her words I cried and as the tears ran down my face I prayed for her...her husband....her family...her girls..that they can get through today..and then tomorrow. I can imagine that it would have to be a day to day thing, probably even hour to hour. I also prayed for myself. I want to have that type of faith. I want Ella to grow up in a home that she can see the Lord oozing out of me, that his word is always on my lips and in my heart. I pray that the Lord guards my tounge that I am more respectful to my husband. I don't want Ella to ever think that anything but respectful words are acceptable in our home. I have a lot to work on....but you gotta start somewhere. Most of all I pray that Ella will have faith in Him. That she will allow Him to work in her life so that she can have all the wonderful things God has in store for her.

Here is a picture of me and my girl.


I. AM. BLESSED.