The Guilt and Fear of Motherhood

Ella just started sleeping her crib over the past week or so and for the past 3 nights has slept in her room by herself. I slept in the room with her for a few nights and then decided to hook up the baby monitor and sleep in my own bed. I haven't really slept that well in the past few nights without her in the room with us because I'm terrifed of not being in the room with her. I guess one of my biggest fears is SIDS. I guess I keep thinking that if she's in the room with me that it wouldn't happen, which is not entirely true. I know that she eventually has to sleep in her own room, but 2 months still seems a little early for my liking. She was sleeping in our room in her Amby baby hammock but she sleeps so much better stretched out in her crib. Plus, she's not hearing us toss and turn, get up to go the bathroom, me snore, etc..

I guess I didn't realize the feelings of guilt would come this early either. I figured that would come when she was older, but alas it's already happened. My sister says that it doesn't stop either. That you always feel guilty about something. I'm sure that she's right...she has been through this 3 times. I guess I feel the most guilty about not being able to breastfeed anymore. I wanted to so badly but things don't always work out the way we want them to. She's been sick for about 3 1/2 weeks now with this cold/sinus infection and I can't help but wonder if I was able to breastfeed longer if she wouldn't have gotten sick...or at least gotten well quicker. I would probably feel worse if I knew I hadn't tried everthing that I could to continue breastfeeding. I tried my best and my body just didn't want to cooperate. Seems like my body does that a lot. Oh well, you gotta work with what you have. My body doesn't usually do anything right that it's supposed to, but it's the only one that I have.

Last night I was getting Ella ready for bed and I was looking in her closet for some pj's for her to wear. I got one of her footy sleepers out to put it on her and when I held it up to her it was a good 2 1/2 inches to short. I called Jon in the room to look at how much she's grown. She smiled at her daddy and I put the sleeper in a box for stuff she will outgrow and then I cried. This is all going by so quickly and I want to enjoy every second of it. It's times like that when I realize that as cliche as it sounds...they really do grow up before you know it.